on being patronized

Nearly eleven years into ordained ministry, and I still run into this problem.

Today, I was visiting with some people from a neighboring congregation. They'd come over to see our seniors group, since they're thinking about starting one of their own - we started chatting, and then suddenly they were asking all sorts of questions. Our conversation went something like this:

Patronizing Ladies: "So, are you the senior pastor here?"

Me: "No, I'm the associate."

PL: "Oh, that's nice. So how long have you been here?"

M: "About two years. And I was in Old City for about nine years before that."

PL: "Oh, my goodness! You don't look old enough for that!" (and here one of said ladies put her hand on my arm in that SUPER PATRONIZING sort of way, the whole, "you just look so young" kind of thing.)

(Let me say that, in fact, I do take some steps to keep myself looking young. Or, young-er. Young-ish. I take care of my skin. I, yes, I dye my hair, because I am seriously prematurely grey and would be very, very salt-and-pepper hair if I didn't, and I'm just not quite ready for that at age 36. However, my grandmother - who gave me this super-curly hair in the first place - had gorgeous silver hair, and my goal is to slide into that in my 50's or 60's. I refuse to be the old lady with suspiciously black hair. It's too weird.)

Anyway. Interestingly, I find that this sort of patronizing, "but you're so young!" behavior comes almost entirely from women. I can't remember the last time a man said that to me. Maybe guys just don't notice age the way women do. Or maybe they have decided that commenting on a colleague's appearance in any way is dangerous territory, and they're staying out of it. (Probably wise.)

But I think there's more to it than that. Why is it always women who insist that I'm so young, that they "could never have been a pastor" at my age (yep, I've gotten that one), that, well...let's finish today's conversation.

Patronizing Ladies: "So, what year did you graduate from college?"

Me: (Dreading probable response) "1995."

PL: "Oh, my goodness - you're just a baby!" (Insert Patronizing Arm Grip again here.)

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT? First of all, I'm two months away from being 37. I'm freewheeling toward forty here, people. I'm still young - you bet. But a BABY? What is THAT about?

Would it have been okay for me to say to her, "you're getting pretty old, aren't you? Are you STILL working? Wow - you're no spring chicken."

Obviously that would be bad. I would never do this. Because it would be irritating, and rude, and I would probably get beat up a lot.

I have no idea where to go with this, which is probably why I came here. It's just that it really bugs me. It bugs that it's women that do this (at least to me). I've made it a personal creed not to do this to women in ministry who are younger than I am. Does this ring true for anyone else?