Friday, January 04, 2008

Friday Five: New Year Resolutions

Sally writes...Well it had to be didn't it; love them or hate them, I bet you've been asked about New Year resolutions. So with no more fuss here is this week's Friday Five:

1. Do you make New Year resolutions?


Nope. The only one I've ever kept was to use hand lotion more often, a rousing and life-changing resolution I made when I was about 15 years old. Other than that, I've never kept one and gave up on them a long time ago.

2. Is this something you take seriously, or is it a bit of fun?

Since I don't make them, it doesn't really matter. They can be fun, though.

3. Share one goal for 2008.

To work more diligently on my prayer and devotional life - a goal I've had for quite some time (so not a resolution, per se).

4. Money is no barrier, share one wild, impossible dream for 2008.


Successful in-vitro fertilization process - maybe even twins! (Not impossible, but definitely expensive...)

5. Someone wants to publish a story of your year in 2008, what will the title of that book be?

I'm choosing "Good Courage," a piece of my favorite prayer (below) and the title of the publication from one of my very favorite places in the whole wide world, Holden Village. It's certainly the year we're moving, and if we're really, really fortunate, it might just be the year we become parents (or at least get pregnant). Here's hoping God sends enough good courage for both!

This prayer will appear in the front page of the book:

Lord God,
you have called us, your servants,
to ventures of which we cannot see the ending,
by paths as yet untrodden,
through perils unknown.

Give us faith to go out with good courage,
not knowing where we go
but only that your hand is leading us
and your love supporting us
through Jesus Christ our Lord
Amen.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Indecision Theology

Just before Christmas, one of my parishioners told me that he had accepted Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior. Let me explain why this troubles me.

This gentleman is about sixty years old, a kind if somewhat socially bumbling guy. He has hair like a televangelist or an anchorman, the kind that wouldn't move in hurricane force winds. He's a salesman, in every sense of the term. He and his wife have been married about fifteen years - a second marriage for both of them, with children from their previous marriages but not this one. His wife struggles with bouts of severe depression. Her adult son recently completed thirty days in alcohol rehab; while he's sober for now, it was a hard time for all of them.

So this guy has a lot going on. I get that.

But. It's Sunday, December 23rd. Worship is about three minutes from starting, and the usual rush of hand-shaking, family-introducing, 'oh-no-you're-leaving-when-is-your-last-Sunday'-conversing, so-and-so-is-in-the-hospital-informing is going on. Said gentleman comes up to me with a beaming look on his face, his wife walking behind him. "Pastor," he says, "I just wanted you to know that at a conference this weekend I finally accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior!"

Said pastor is a little confused, seeing as how this gentleman has been active in the church for a long time and, one would dearly hope, had heard of Jesus' love for him a time or two over the last, you know, twenty years.

He handed me his testimony - two typed pages - and asked if I would like to read it. Naturally I said yes. Two days later, at Christmas Day worship, he asked if I had read it yet. I gave him my honest answer: that there had been simply no time, and that I knew this story was important enough to warrant taking real time to read it. He seemed very touched by that.

Today I finally read the story. It's very simple and fairly chicken-soup-for-the-soul, but I know it means a lot to him. My trouble is figuring out how to talk with him about it.

I know a lot of this is pastoral care stuff, and that I have no problem with. Here is someone whose life has been turned upside down lately, and whose primary relationship can be difficult at any given time. His step-son's rehab was terribly draining for his wife, who spent a fair amount of time beating herself up about her son's struggles. He's getting near retirement, and this is a guy who defines himself largely by his job. Throwing yourself at the foot of the cross makes perfect sense in all of that.

I suppose the problem isn't really with him, but more within myself. Of course it's entirely possible that someone could come to worship for years and years, could be involved in leadership, could say all the right things, and still not feel a personal relationship with Jesus. I'm sure that's true more often than I would care to know.

I'm also sure that when life falls apart around you, re-claiming your faith is not only attractive but necessary, and making a commitment to that faith feels hopeful and energizing.

But, even considering all of that, I'm pretty damn opposed to decision theology. And I'm not sure if there's any way to talk about that in this circumstance. Part of me worries that, in my eight years here, I wasn't able (apparently) to convey Jesus' great love for him enough; that all this time, he sat in the pew empty, until this random occurrence at a sales conference. Part of me worries about how many other people in the pews feel the same way.

And yet another part of me suspects that this whole decision thing is a crock of shit. I'm curious to know why he felt the need to do this - and to tell me about it - and to write it down as a story. Where's the appeal? Why now, and like this? Is he telling me that he had never understood Jesus as his savior until now - or just that he recommitted to that? Is there any way for me to ask him some of these questions without sounding as if I am attacking his very personal spiritual experience?

I suppose part of my struggle is the role of the pastor in all of this. My first instinct, in being 'pastoral,' is to do the listening, supportive thing: "tell me about this experience," "it sounds like this was really important for you," etc. I do think it would be a bad idea to pull out the theological guns and give a lecture about decision theology and original sin and simul iustus et peccatur (you know you're getting a little too heavy when the Latin comes out).

But what about the prophet? I can just imagine David bringing his "I decided to accept Yahweh as my personal Lord and Savior" testimony to Nathan, and Nathan reading it and tearing it up and telling him he had completely forgotten the real scandal of God's grace and gotten full of himself and that the extraordinary thing is God's faithfulness, not ours. Not to mention that most of our decisions last about fifteen minutes anyway, so it's probably nothing to get too excited about.

Don't worry: I'm not going to pull a Nathan. But it's all made me think again about who the pastor ought to be in a community. Listener? Counselor? Cheerleader? Even for dumb ideas?

Or can there be times for you to be a prophet? Or a truth teller? Or a theologian? If not, what's the purpose of theology if it never intersects with actual daily life? How can you consider yourself a theologian if someone hands you a story whose theology galls you to the core but you can't figure out any way to talk about it?

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Where's Fabio when you need him?

Yesterday we kicked off the new year by signing papers to put our house on the market.

Last night I kicked off the first night of the new year by not sleeping.

Coincidence? I think not.

It's amazing how much time in the change-of-call process is taken up by the gritty details of reality. You want to believe (or I do, anyway) that this will be a follow-the-star, sense-God's-voice, leap-out-in-faith kind of thing, but in fact, it's a lot less romantic than that. It reminds me of the first Christmas Beloved and I had as a married couple (keep in mind that we had been married about a month), when we went out to choose our Christmas tree and put it up. I had a very Barbara-Cartland idea about this, the sort of swoony romantic scene featured in the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commericals (though Fabio-free), wherein we would tromp through the snow and choose the perfect tree, come home and put it in the perfect place, drink perfect cups of hot cider, and then decorate our perfect tree with all our perfect ornaments.

Now how could that idea possibly have gone bad? Instead, we ended up bickering over which tree, and then over where it should be placed in the house and how to move the furniture to accommodate the tree, and at some point I remember sitting dejectedly on the floor thinking to myself, "This is not how I thought this would happen." On a side note, all further Christmases have gone much more smoothly.

THIS SHOULD BE EASIER is the theme of my fall and winter. It should be more romantic - sensing God's call to a new ministry, leaving gracefully a place I love, throwing myself faithfully into the future without precise directions. Also, there should maybe be some applause.

Instead, it looks much more like finding your spouse a job, working like a crazy person to fix up the house for sale, spending most of your post-Christmas "vacation" house hunting in the new town, deciding not to buy the great-deal flannel sheets at Macy's because it's just one more thing you'll have to pack, flailing desperately to get someone else to chair the worship committee for the synod assembly in April, realizing you have to sort through your entire office within a month which makes you want to THROW UP, putting up with all your kindhearted parishioners and their kindhearted suggestions that "now you'll have time to have a baby" because you'll be an associate, and hoping against hope that your house will sell in a sluggish market.

This is not romantic. Fabio is nowhere to be found. The good news, on the days I have the heart to see it, is that disillusionment is practically the theme of the entire bible. Almost no one signed up for what they got, or got what they signed up for. And yet God remained faithful through it all. The key is remembering that on this side of the journey, not just when you get to the promised land. Although remembering it once you get there seems to have been a bit of a problem too.

Lord God, you have called us, your servants, to ventures of which we cannot see the ending, by paths as yet untrodden, through perils unknown. Give us faith to go out with good courage, not knowing where we go, but only that your hand is leading us and your love supporting us, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Somebody remind me to pray that every day.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Snapshots of a Weekend

1. It is not that smart to get married three days before Christmas. Especially when your wedding site is one minute from the shopping mall.

2. Writing sermons at home makes a lot of sense except that it's really hard to get out of your pajamas.

3. No one in our house is getting a surprise for Christmas this year. But everyone is getting something they dearly want. So it's okay.

4. This is about the fifth year in a row that I have made no Christmas cookies. I find this sad. I miss it. Next year I need to work on this earlier. I'm giving myself a pass this year with the deciding-and-announcing-of-leaving, but that's it.

5. It is not appropriate, at your wedding rehearsal, to show off your ample bosom to that extent. You look like a hooker. Especially with the shoes.

6. If you do decide to get married two days before Christmas, and your wedding happens to be during a snowstorm, and you are not a member of the congregation, you should probably pay the pastor more than fifty bucks. Just a suggestion.

7. It makes a huge difference in the joy factor of anticipating Christmas to have the sermon for tomorrow done.

8. I am also hugely relieved to have all the Christmas cards sent after a two day festival o' assembling and writing them.

9. I do not understand how I got so behind in Christmas preparations this year. Thanksgiving was so early - how did I run out of time?

10. And yet still, the kid in me is whispering, "Tomorrow is Christmas! Christmas!"

Joy to one and all.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Friday Five: The Recipes

Peparkakor (Swedish Ginger Cookies)

1 cup butter
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 egg
2 tablespoons dark Karo syrup
3 cups flour
3 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon ground ginger
2 teaspoons baking soda with 1 teaspoon water

Cream butter and sugar. Add egg and Karo syrup. Sift together dry ingredients and add to butter/sugar mix. Roll very thin and cut out in Christmas shapes. Bake at 350 until golden brown. Cool on wire rack. Makes lots and lots.


Parisian Wafers (aka "Bastard Cookies")

Wafers:
1 cup butter
1/3 cup heavy cream
2 cups flour

Filling:
1/4 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup confectioners sugar
1 egg yolk
1 teaspoon vanilla
Food coloring: red and green

Whip butter and cream until light and fluffy, then add flour. Roll out and cut into very small rounds (about the size of a quarter or slightly larger. This is time consuming and finicky and results in the "bastard" nickname, but it's worth it in the end.) Place on a cookie sheet and poke each wafer twice with a small fork. Bake at 375 until slightly golden brown.

Mix filling ingredients, whipping until smooth. Divide into two parts and tint one half green, the other half red. When wafers have completely cooled, place filling on the inside of one wafer and top with another wafer. Makes lots and lots. If you don't lose your mind first.


Swedish Meatballs

3 slices of white bread
1 cup milk
2 1/2 pounds leanest ground beef
1 pound ground pork (NOT sausage meat)
3 eggs, well beaten
1/2 cup onion, finely minced
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper

Soak bread in milk until it falls apart. Stir. Mix all remaining ingredients and add milk/bread mixture. Stir well, until completely combined.

Form meatballs the size of a golf ball. Brown in frying pan (cast iron is best), turning often, and place in casserole dish. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes. Serves about four people.

Two options for gravy:
1.) Old School Gravy - add water to the frying pan when all the meatballs are done, bring to a boil, and then thicken with flour*. Add beef bouillon, salt, and pepper to taste. This can be added to the casserole dish and baked with the meatballs in the oven, or served separately.

2.) Easier Gravy - add one can of Cream of Mushroom soup to the frying pan when all the meatballs are done, and 2 cans of water. Bring to a boil and thicken with flour. Add salt and pepper to taste, if needed. Best if baked with the meatballs in the oven.

*If you are unaware of the miracle that is Wondra flour, be sure to get some before making gravy. No more lumps.

It's Almost Christmas, Friday Five!

After RevHRod's internal debate about this week's Friday Five (Serious! Playful! Theological! Fun!), we land on the playful side. Which is great, in my opinion, largely because I have very little time to play from now until the big Advent-Christmas Triduum coming our way. So, here goes...


1. What was one of your favorite childhood gifts that you gave?

When I was a kid, our elementary school offered "Kris Kringle," which was a gift fair for kids to purchase parents' gifts. Everything was probably $5.00 or under. At one of those, I bought my mom a recipe card holder: a dowel, about 7 inches tall, stuck in a plaster-of-paris cup, with a clothespin (the kind with a metal hinge) stuck on the top. It was painted like a giraffe. My mom still has it and uses it all the time.

2. What is one of your favorite Christmas recipes? Bonus points if you share the recipe with us.

Oh, I have many. Many, many, many. Mostly cookies. Two favorites are peparkakor (a Swedish ginger cookie) and Parisian wafers (nicknamed "Bastard Cookies" because they're so much damn work). Plus the traditional family recipe for Swedish meatballs. I'll post those separately above.

3. What is a tradition that your family can't do without? (And by family, I mean family of origin, family of adulthood, or that bunch of cool people that just feel like family.)

Okay, this is strange. But true. My mom's family is Swedish, so most of our traditions are Swedish. Growing up, we always had a Yule Tomten in the house: a Swedish elf who watches over you during Advent and keeps track of your good/bad behavior. (As an aside, we never really discussed the details of how this related to Santa. Perhaps the Yule Tomten reported directly to him. Not sure.)

If you were good, the Yule Tomten brought you gifts. And for years, that's all we knew of the story. When we were teenagers, my mom confessed the darker side: the Swedish tradition is, if you are NOT good, the Tomten will BURN DOWN YOUR BARN. Yikes. I mean, we didn't have a barn, but still. So my brothers and I nicknamed him Pyro Tomten, and we cannot have Christmas without him. Each of us, grown up now, has our own Pyro Tomten in our homes. So far the barns are safe.

4. Pastors and other church folk often have very strange traditions dictated by the "work" of the holidays. What happens at your place?

The main dilemma is how to eat dinner: not enough time between the 4pm and 7pm services; pretty late if you eat between the 7pm and 11pm services (Christmas Eve). When I was single, my colleague's wife would go to Wendy's and bring us fast food and we would eat that as our Christmas feast at about 8:30pm in the church fellowship hall. It's a fond memory. Now, my husband and I try to go out for dinner at about that time, though it's hard to find open restaurants. It makes for a fun adventure, though.

5. If you could just ditch all the traditions and do something unexpected... what would it be?

For one, I would totally ditch the Christmas Day service. By that time - especially this year, with the three days in a row - I'm exhausted. Other than that, there aren't many traditions I would ditch. Most of them are very dear to me.

Okay, the lutefisk. I would ditch the lutefisk. And never look back.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Swadding Cloths: A Sermon for Christmas Eve

I'm not big on posting sermons before I give them. But, this one sort of wrote itself yesterday, which means I have time for some feedback before it gets preached next week. I'm not entirely happy with the ending, so there's very good chance it will get reworked. If you have ideas, please let me know!

As an introduction, I often think of Christmas-Easter-other-popular-text sermons more like midrash: a chance to illuminate some small part of the story or let the imagination flow. I'm not always concerned about strict textual adherence or historical accuracy. Yesterday, for example, I read a long article about how it's improbable that Mary and Joseph would have been required to travel the 90 miles to Bethlehem for the census: women wouldn't have gone for that, there's no way the Roman government would have wanted that much travel on the roads, they probably went to a more obscure Bethlehem only 12 miles away, etc. I didn't put that in the story. Sometimes a biblical imagination can overlook those things. I hope.


But Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart.

Mary had brought with her very few things to Bethlehem. They had left Nazareth, their hometown, in a hurry, trying their best to get to Bethlehem before Mary was too pregnant to travel. They brought only what they could carry with them: some food, a lamp, and warm blankets to sleep on. There was neither time nor space to bring any more.

They started from Nazareth with a group of families traveling for the census, but by the time they reached Bethlehem they were at the tail end of the crowd. Two other pregnant women and a group of elderly couples were the only ones left with them. They bid each other farewell at the gate of the city, each one hoping desperately that they would find safe lodging for the night.

After it was over, after Mary had groaned and cried and muttered a few things about the angel Gabriel showing up to announce the baby but not being anywhere around when the hard part came, after Joseph had washed the child in the animals’ water trough, Mary wrapped her son in one of the blankets they had brought along. Her mother had taught her how to do this: to wrap the child tightly, so that it would feel safe in the open, wide world. “Take it,” said her mother as they left for Bethlehem, pressing the blanket into her hands. “For the child.” Mary watched her son sleeping, swaddled in the cloth. He stirred and fussed as if he hated being cooped up in the manger she had placed him in, so she picked him up and held him until he slept. And she pondered this night in her heart.

In his childhood years, the blanket in which he was wrapped at his birth became the one he slept on and carried with him, the one Mary wrapped him in when he cried. Nothing else would stop his sobbing at times but that old, worn linen blanket, with a hold in the side from being dragged on the ground as he followed his carpenter father into the shop. He held it in his hands when some men from an eastern kingdom showed up at their door with strange and forboding gifts: gold, valuable and precious but of no use to a two-year old; frankincense, used in worship; and myrrh, the gift which made Mary’s heart stop for a moment. Myrrh was used only in burials. She thought a tear came to the eye of the eastern king as he handed it to her boy. Jesus let go of the blanket for just a moment to take the myrrh, but at one whiff of its smell he put it down immediately, grabbed the blanket again, and wandered off to find his father. Mary picked up the myrrh and placed it high on a shelf, hoping it was some sort of mistake. She put her son to bed that night with the smell of it still lingering on the air. And she pondered that night in her heart.

He never did give up the cloth, though it took on different tasks as he grew older. He wrapped it around his waist and, if people thought it was strange, it was often the least strange thing about him.

The cloth had gotten even more worn and dirty by the time he used it to wrap two loaves which fed five thousand people. A young man used it to wipe the mud off his eyes before he washed them in the pool of Siloam as Jesus had instructed him, and wept into it when he realized that he could see after a lifetime of blindness. People tugged on it when Jesus walked through crowds, hoping that a miracle would somehow rub off onto them, and sometimes it did. When he got to the city of Bethany two days after hearing his friend Lazarus was dying, Jesus wept into the cloth himself at the grief of Lazarus’ friends, before he called Lazarus out of the tomb. Mary was there that day. She watched as his two sisters unwrapped the burial cloths off their brother and clapped their hands and cried with joy. She watched her son, his own cloth wrapped around his waist, and she remembered the jar of myrrh, gathering dust on a high shelf in their home. It had been there for thirty years. She watched her son join in the celebration for Lazarus’ rebirth, but something in his face told of more than joy. He looked at Lazarus as if he knew that this resurrection would not last forever. She thought again of the myrrh, and the look in the eyes of the eastern king as he handed it to her. And she pondered that day in her heart.

The night before he died, Jesus took the cloth off his waist a last time. He filled a bowl with water and placed it on the dirt floor in front of his friends. One by one, he removed their shoes and washed them in the water, then dried them with the cloth. Only one objected, though that may have been because the other eleven were too surprised to say anything: “No, Lord,” said Peter, “this is the work of a servant; I should be washing your feet.” “If I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to do the same for one another,” he replied, “for you should do as I have done for you.” When he had finished, he wrapped the cloth around himself again and began to speak. He spoke for a long time, but Peter was not listening very carefully. You also should do as I have done for you: Peter heard the words over and over again in his mind. And Peter pondered that night in his heart.

The next day, when it was all over, Mary watched as the soldiers removed her son’s body from the cross. She watched as they wrapped him crudely in rough linen. She pushed her way through the crowd, so that she could slip something into the shroud. He had dropped the cloth the day before, as he carried the cross bar through the streets of Jerusalem. She remembered the day he used the cloth to carry loaves of bread to feed the hungry. She remembered the man born blind who wept into it and cleaned his face of mud with it. She remembered the day Lazarus unwrapped his own burial cloths and the way her son watched him, as if hoped the same for himself one day. She remembered him holding the cloth when the kings from the east brought their gifts. She had rubbed the myrrh in it that night while she waited for his trial to finish. She remembered how she tucked him tightly into the cloth on the day he was born, the first night he puzzled and bewildered and overjoyed her – the first night, but not the last. She remembered that he could never sleep without it when he was a child. As the soldiers passed by, she tucked the cloth into her son’s shroud. She could still smell the myrrh in the air.

The next morning, she and the other women found the cloth lying in an empty tomb. For the first time, the cloth was there but Jesus was nowhere to be found. Angels like the ones who announced his birth told them not to weep, that he was now the firstborn of the dead, and that he was already ahead of them, waiting. They ran. They ran so fast Mary forgot the cloth entirely, the swaddling cloth, the one that had held her son’s childhood tears and loaves of bread, had comforted the ill and washed feet and gone with him into death. It did not smell like myrrh anymore. The whole tomb smelled like something else, like joy and life and the cleanest air they had ever known, and as they breathed it in they ran to tell anyone they could find that the baby who refused to stay in the manger refused to stay in the tomb as well.

Christmas is not just the baby, but the man who died. Not just the virgin holding her son, but the mother who ran from the empty tomb. Not just the angels who sang to shepherds, but the ones who announced his resurrection. For the child whose birth we sing tonight gave birth himself to an entirely new way of life, a way where the last are first and the hungry are fed and the blind are given sight and the dead are raised. The child born for us, wrapped in swaddling cloths, left the cloth behind in the grave and he has gone ahead of us, and he is waiting. One of these days he will come back, and there will be no stopping the joy that bursts out of every corner of creation. For now, we treasure these things and ponder them in our hearts. Amen.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Exquisite Torture

Congress is having a great deal of difficulty defining the term, "torture." Is, for example, the practice of waterboarding - a simulation of drowning which, while not fatal (as far as I know), is highly terrifying - is that torture? Government lawyers are having a lot of trouble answering this question. Personally, I think that if it's something so many people are concerned about and suspect is exactly what torture is, then it's close enough for me. If it smells like a rat and runs like a rat and IS A RAT - oops. You get the point.

I have some assistance for them, however. If Congress is having trouble coming up with a salient definition for what, exactly, constitutes torture, then they have only to ask me: torture is a woman with infertility who agrees to babysit in the infant room for two hours so that the daycare staff can have their Christmas lunch. Torture is the child who smells like baby powder and insists on being held and immediately snuggles up right underneath your neck, that part where a baby's head fits perfectly, and sighs with satisfaction and clutches said woman's hand. Admittedly, said (foolish) woman agreed to this scenario, so this is partly self-inflicted torture, but still. If you want to feel like you're going to drown, this is the scenario for you. Even if the stuff of your drowning is self-pity.

Okay, I know that this is right on the verge of making light of a very serious and horrific situation. I am trying very hard not to fall off the perch on which I have placed myself in the last paragraph: I don't intend to equate my two hours of babysitting with the actual practice of waterboarding, or suggest that my afternoon actually was torture in some sort of Geneva convention way. Hopefully any readers of this blog will realize that.

You know, I think we might need some sort of Geneva Convention about infertility. The whole idea of the Geneva Convention is that painful, humiliating, and secretive practices are brought out into the open so that we can all agree on what is, and what is not, acceptable to do to our fellow human beings. You can argue for days about whether it's complete enough, or whether nations actually follow it, but that's not the point for now: the point is that we think, when we are at our human best, that it is better to lay down the ground rules so that everyone knows what not to do.

The most torturous thing about infertility, for me, is how secretive I am expected to be about it. Maybe you think that secrecy is an expectation I place on myself. That's partly true. But imagine this scenario: a woman with at least one child runs into another woman, about the same age, whom she knows in a passing way, at the supermarket. Mother Woman says, eventually, "Do you have kids?" or something along those lines: "Are you going to have kids?" "Don't you want kids?" "You'd be such a great mother!"

Non-Mother Woman replies, "Actually, no, or at least we're not sure. My husband's sperm are the wrong shape and we'll probably have to do in-vitro fertilization, but you know, that's like $15,000 so we're debating what to do about it."

I suppose that could happen. And if it did, Mother Woman would probably flee. If she didn't, because maybe she was part of the Secret Infertility Society herself for awhile, then any other conversation partner would.

Clean up on aisle five.

I babysat with two moms, each of whom asked me at some point, "Do you have kids?" And I wish, or part of me wishes, there were a way to be completely blunt about why my answer is, "no." That's the acceptable response, the secretive one. No reason. Just, "No," or maybe, "Not yet," or "We'd like them, but we'll see." Anything other than that is more information than people actually want to know.

And if you actually let go of that information, if you say something about being infertile, you have NO idea what the response will be. It might be very comforting and thoughtful. It might be a story of someone else's struggle (this happened to me just the other day, and it was very powerful).

It might also be one of the dreaded comments which only perpetuate the torture. This is where the Geneva Convention of Infertility would come in. I did a little research, and there are four conventions in this thing, along with two protocols. Being the week before Christmas and all, I didn't really have time to parse the difference between a convention and a protocol. But this topic is important enough to me that I think we ought to consider it a convention. The fifth one. Here are some of my suggestions for inclusion in this:

Part One: General Provisions
Art. I. "Infertility" is not a bad word. It is also not a lifestyle choice. The Powers who are parties to this Convention agree that infertility is a medical condition, with various medical treatments.

Art II. At no time, when informed of someone's struggle with infertility, shall the Parties to this Convention utter the phrase, "just relax."

Art III. In the case of infertility for one of the Powers bound by this Convention, the Parties agree not to bombard the said Power with stories about their best friend's sister's cousin's neighbor, who got pregnant while on vacation to the Bahamas.

Art IV. The Parties who are fortunate enough to be parents shall not burst forth with case after case of how difficult children are in a vain attempt to console the said Power, saying that children are a lot of work. This is also not helpful.

Art V. The Parties agree that Mother's Day is a pain in the ass.

Art VI. If a particular Power takes a pastoral call which happens to be an associate position, none of the Parties to this Convention shall say things like, "Oh, now you'll have time to have a family." (This one is pretty specific. But I feel the need to include it anyway.)

See, if we could all agree on these sorts of things, it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe Part Two of the Convention could lay down the rules about why infertility treatments need to be covered by all health insurance plans (don't even get me started on the sheer idiocy of covering prescriptions for Viagra but nothing for infertility).

I really do need to write some sermons, but this Convention idea is growing on me. Let me know if you have other articles to include. Enough with the secrecy. Enough with the torture.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Friday Five: Rejoice!

From RevGals...

Can you believe that in two days we'll be halfway through Advent? Gaudete Sunday: pink candle on the advent wreath, rose vestments for those who have them, concerts and pageants in many congregations. Time to rejoice!

Rejoice in the nearness of Christ's coming, yes, but also in the many gifts of the pregnant waiting time when the world (in the northern hemisphere, at least) spins ever deeper into sweet, fertile darkness.

What makes you rejoice about:

1. Waiting?


I love anticipation, sometimes even more than the event itself. The standing-on-the-tips-of-your-toes feeling is so much fun, and you have the luxury of dreaming about what the fulfillment of your waiting will look like.

2. Darkness?


This is how you know I have Scandinavian blood coursing through my veins (and I mean north of the Arctic circle blood, which is where my grandfather came from) - I love winter. I love dark days, short days. I love snuggling up in bed with flannel sheets and a down comforter and a good book and a hot toddy. I love the richness of lights inside when it's dark outside.

3. Winter?

I guess the "darkness" answer covers it, except to add that I also love wearing sweaters, so winter is the season for me.

4. Advent?

Preparation, anticipation, winter, light...all good. I also appreciate the chance to work with a distinct theme during such a short season. Advent worship always feels 'tighter' to me - in a good way - where music, scripture, and prayer work together in a more intimate way.

I dislike the over-emphasis on John the Baptist, though (I'm fine with one Sunday, but I don't know if the guy needs two - in a row) so this year we've bailed on the lectionary. Normally I am quite faithful to it, but during Advent and Lent I feel more free to choose other options. Another reason I like Advent.

5. Jesus' coming?

It's hard to know exactly what that phrase means. I know I should look forward to Jesus' coming more than I do, and the truth is that I don't spend much time thinking about it. Perhaps this is something I shouldn't admit, but hey - this blog is pretty anonymous.

A few weeks ago I was at a continuing education class and the professor said he has a reputation among his colleagues for a certain behavior when presiding at communion: "When we pray, 'Come, Lord Jesus'," he said, "I look up for a minute to see if he's here. Because that's not just an empty phrase, right? I mean it; I'm in love with Jesus and I miss him and I want him to come back. And I don't want to be bowing my head and miss it."

I realized as he said this that I don't have that same sense of longing, most of the time. I say, "Come, Lord Jesus," when I preside, and then I keep going without even taking a breath. He gave me something to think about.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Value of Cute Shoes

If you've visited my blog before (please, millions of adoring fans! No autographs!), you might notice the change in template. I often find that big changes in my life (ending my first call and taking another, in this case) prompt changes in my appearance, even in the blogosphere. You can analyze away. I have some reflections on it myself. In the last few weeks, I have:

1. Colored my hair a dark brown (which is its natural state, but in the summer it gets many strawberry blonde highlights and when you mix that with the grey, and the dark winter roots, it's just too much).
2. Returned to wearing wicked high heels, having been sidelined from such after the fall off our deck. Especially I have reclaimed my very favorite black-patent-leather knee high boots, which I fondly call the Batgirl Boots. Yes, I can run in them. Not that I do, very often.
3. Painted my fingernails a deep navy blue (very Advent, but with a weird vampire-y twist).
4. Painted my toenails a crimson red.
5. Worn, to the deep grief of one of my preaching professors, sparkly, dangly earrings on a regular basis (though not in the pulpit, because I agree with said professor that the pulpit is not the place for sparkly, dangly things).
6. And today, I pinned all my hair up in a twist/bun thing, including my bangs, which I have been growing out for almost two years. This is a big deal - today is the first day since I got my hair dramatically cut in the fourth grade (to look more like Nancy Drew, but that's a separate post) that I have wandered around in public without bangs. NO BANGS. Big change.

And, in that line, I decided to change the blog template too. Sometimes you just need a little change: new scenery, new haircut. Cute shoes.

The brilliance which is PeaceBang expresses this a million times better than I could. But because PeaceBang is on an Advent blog-sabbatical, I will try my best to write a little below as I imagine she might (with disclaimer that I can only be the moon, reflected the light of another, as I do so).

Darlings, when stress is high and demands upon you are being made with alarming regularity - and when you have perhaps added to this yourself with dramatic plans to change your life - then there is nothing like a pair of cute shoes to help you walk with confidence into the next phase. Seriously. Cute shoes cannot be overrated (though they can be overpriced) when it comes to striding briskly over, around, and through the stress of the clergy life. Too many of our dear colleagues have allowed themselves to slouch Hush-Puppy-like through the valleys of the dark shadows, and while cute shoes cannot actually save you from anything, they can take a little edge off a difficult path.

The secret of cute shoes, my dears, is not that you spent too much money on them, or that they make you better than people with not-cute shoes, but that they remind you that you are worth walking confidently, joyfully, even with a bit of a skip in your step. You may be able to achieve similar results with a haircut, or manicure, or flattering pants, or a new lipstick. It's not about the money; it's about a bit of a change, just enough to give you a sparkle and a lift. Walk confidently, dear ones! Your shoes, your lipstick, and your blog expect no less!


(Shalom must interrupt her pale imitation of PeaceBang here to admit that she has complimented her cute shoes today with very flattering pants, which you think would be a good thing, except that said pants - while being exactly the right size and fitting just fine - have a zipper which is completely incapable of staying zipped no matter what she does. So she would like to point out that you must weigh the value of flattering pants with the practicality of not wanting your underthings on display while you wear them. She is very sad because these pants were a super great deal at TJ Maxx, Shalom's very favorite store, and they look great. But the zipper thing is probably going to be a dealbreaker. You can't walk confidently through life when you're trying to steal discreet looks at your crotch every fifteen minutes. Take her word for this.)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Wasting Time




You Are Likely an Only Child



At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated.

At work and school, you do best when you're organizing.

When you love someone, you tend to worry about them.



In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic.

Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management.

You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.



Huh. Well, I am the first of three, and I am the only girl, but I'm definitely not an "only" child. But good to know that my career in ministry is okay with the internet gods.

I'm pretty sure the self-help books career is a no-go, though. Lutherans don't believe in self-help. Now if there were a career in writing self-flagellation books, THAT would be full of Lutherans.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

So, I totally broke up with my boyfriend this weekend.

Not really. I mean, not in the actual romantic relationship sense: Beloved and I are doing fine. (Small update on him: we got a new TV on Saturday, so he's happy. It's the small things in life.)

What I did do this weekend was break up with my congregation. And, continuing in the vein of marriage/significant-other-relationship language I've been using about the interviewing, discerning, and leaving process, that's pretty much what it felt like: I dumped my boyfriend this weekend. (I realize the church is more often referred to in female language, but for one thing, that sort of irritates me, and it also throws in a bit of sexual confusion that probably isn't needed at this point.)

It went about as well as it could. The other night, I was watching one of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City, the one where Jack Berger has broken up with Carrie on a post-it note, and then she runs into his friends at a bar, and she unloads on them, shouting all the things she should have said directly to Berger. I can't remember it exactly, but the conversation goes something like this:

Berger's unsuspecting friend: Well, there really is no good way to break up with someone.

Carrie: You know, that's the thing, because there is. Not all women go psycho. All we want is an ending that...honors what we had together and tells the truth about it. And you could try, instead of getting all scared and running away, you could try to talk about that because that's all that women really want. An ending that honors the relationship. So it turns out that actually, BILLY, there is a good way to break up with someone, and IT DOESN'T INVOLVE A POST-IT.

Carrie sits down next to Samantha and Charlotte.


Samantha: That was...interesting.

Carrie (downing a glass of champagne): You think so? We have to get out of here. Immediately.

There are a lot of ways to tell your congregation that you're leaving. (See how this post could have gone all "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover," but I took a different turn.) Some people tell the congregation that they've interviewed someplace. Some people wait until after they've received a call and then tell the congregation that they have an offer. Me, I just wanted to rip off the bandaid in one quick, painful motion. I waited until I had made a decision and then dropped the bomb. Like a post-it, only longer.

It was a whole letter, not just a post-it. And it was, cliches aside, the hardest letter I've ever written. It took me about two weeks to compose it. I wanted to make it the best break-up possible: one that honored what we had together but also let them know it was time to move on.

The thing is, I'm not getting out of here immediately. My last Sunday at Current Congregation will be February 3; my first day at New Congregation will be February 20. (I need some down time inbetween.) So I needed to break up with them BUT still live in the same house for another six weeks. Tricky.

Most of the comments I got were along the lines of, "We're really happy for you but sad for us." And truthfully, I feel both things too: happy and sad, excited and grieving. The best word for Sunday I could find is, "bittersweet." They are my first congregation: my first serious clergy relationship. And don't you always have a place in your heart for your first love? (I mean, unless he/she was a total jerk, but that's not the case here.)

I am relieved that it's out in the open. No more closed-door phone calls; no more furtive trips out of town; no more cheating. The relationship isn't exactly over, but it's coming to a close. I'm glad that Christmas is coming - it gives us all something else (a million things else) to do and think about.

After Carrie unloads on Berger's poor friend in the bar, she decides this day has to be something instead of "the day I got broken up with on a post-it." So she and Samantha smoke a joint on a street corner and Carrie gets sort-of arrested for it. I just want to point out that I decided against distracting myself in this way. Just for the record. Sometimes you have to let things be exactly what they are. This is the weekend that I broke up with my congregation. And it was hard. But we are all okay. And, one of these days, my heart will stop hurting and all that will remain will be the friendships and the great memories of my first love. Not such a bad weekend, all things considered.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Friday Five: Preparation, preparation...

Sally at RevGals writes,

This has been a difficult week for me, the death of a little six year old has overshadowed our advent preparations, and made many of us here in Downham Market look differently at Christmas. With that in mind I ask whether you are the kind of person that likes everything prepared well in advance, are you a last minute crammer, or a bit of a mixture.....

Here then is this week's Friday 5:

1. You have a busy week, pushing out all time for preparing worship/ Sunday School lessons/ being ready for an important meeting ( or whatever equivalent your profession demands)- how do you cope?


I make a list. And I start the list with one or two things I've already done, so I have the visual of something crossed off right off the bat. This is trick of my mother's, and it works like a charm. Lists make me feel like things are not so overwhelming.

2. You have unexpected visitors, and need to provide them with a meal- what do you do?

We usually have the stuff to make Thai Chicken Pasta, our 'emergency back-up meal.' I could probably make that in a pinch. That, or convince them to go with us to the best Szechuan restaurant EVER, just down the street from our house.

Three discussion topics:

3. Thinking along the lines of this weeks advent theme; repentance is an important but often neglected aspect of advent preparations.....


True. But this year I am (insert horrified gasp here) departing from the lectionary, so I admit that repentance is getting neglected for us. However, I think the sense that something is not well with the world, or with our lives, which goes along with repentance, is a feeling common to most people at this time of year. The Norman Rockwell facade can only last so long. Even without John eating locusts and screaming about being a brood of vipers, we are still talking about lament - and that, to me, is part of getting to repentance.

4. Some of the best experiences in life occur when you simply go with the flow.....

Probably true. But as a fairly unrepentant control freak, I have rarely experienced this for myself.

5. Details are everything, attention to the small things enables a plan to roll forward smoothly...

Now that's a sentence which warms a control freak's heart. It is true that the small things make a huge difference. But it is also true that you have to learn to let them go. There will be typos in the worship bulletin; there will be pronunciation errors by the readers; the pastor will collapse in a coughing fit during the sermon (true story, last Sunday); it happens. If God is in the details, I hope God is also one who sees beyond the details to the intent of the whole picture. And forgives the errors along the way.

Bonus if you dare- how well prepared are you for Christmas this year?

Not very. Last night I met with my church council to tell them that I am resigning and taking another call. Once I get through this weekend, when the congregation will find out (the letter went out yesterday), I think I can move on to Christmas. It's an odd Advent this year. Good, but odd.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Get You Going

Now the Lord said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you." - Genesis 12:1

I learned recently (or maybe I re-learned, since I'm sure I must have heard this in Hebrew class during seminary) that the Hebrew of God's "Go" to Abram is a bit more complicated than the one word suggests. Lech-lecha, the Hebrew phrase, is a bit more like "get you going." It is the name of the Torah portion - Parshah Lech-Lecha - read at an assigned time during the Jewish year. The name of Abram's story is this: "get you going." "Go."

And so going, getting us going, is now the name of our story too. This portion of our lives, perhaps assigned, perhaps chosen, or somewhere in-between. Get up, go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. Get you going, children. Go.

I imagine Abram and Sarai were considerably more surprised than Beloved and I when our own lech-lecha came upon us: we, after all, signed up for a life of some possible transitory-ness, while Abram and Sarai had not yet made that commitment. Rabbi Sholom DovBer of Lubavitch writes this about the Torah portion:

From the time that G-d said to our father Abraham "Go from your land..." and "Abraham went on, journeying southward", began the process of birurim -- of extracting the sparks of holiness that are scattered throughout creation, buried within the material existence.

By the decree of Divine providence, a person wanders about in his travels, as the Cause of All Causes brings about the many circumstances and pretexts that bring a person to those places where the sparks that belong to his or her soul await their redemption.


I have always thought of Sarai and Abram's going, lech-lecha-ing, as the leaving of their home. And certainly it was. They left their land; the land they knew like the backs of their hands. The shortcuts from one place to another. The colors of the sunsets and the dawns. The times of year it was likely to rain, or blow a bitter cold wind, or beat onto them a parching heat. The horizons they watched and the smells of food they knew how to cook and chatter from mother tongues. They left all this, I thought, and certainly they did. They left their home because God told them to get going.

I cannot be so sure that it is God telling us to get going, though I have no reason to think otherwise. Part of me suspects that the rather inconsiderate timing of it all - new staff member, Christmas coming, fairly new house, baby quest in limbo - is, actually, proof of God's peculiar and marvelous providence. God, after all, seems profoundly disinterested in my schedule (or, if not disinterested, at least fonder of another option). The fact that we would not have chosen this time, this place, from which to get going is not sheer coincidence to me. I doubt Abram and Sarai had raised their hands and volunteered for lech-lecha-ing about anything when God cleared the divine throat and made the command.

I do believe we could have chosen either place - here or there, familiar or new, known or unknown - and God would have remained faithful. ("After all," said a pastor friend of mine when we were talking about whether she should leave her congregation some years ago, "who do I think I am that I'm never going to make the wrong choice? God didn't say to Moses, 'okay, you said no the first time, never mind then,' or to Jonah, 'well, your idiocy is just pissing me off so forget you.' Of course I will make the wrong choice at some point. The real hope is not my abilities to choose but God's choice to be faithful.")

But we have decided to go. And suddenly the story of Abram and Sarai has taken on new meaning for me. I never wondered, before, who was hurt by their decision to go. Their friends and neighbors, their - did they have colleagues? - family. Their servants, perhaps. Everyone who said, "But why? Why are you going?"

Did Abram and Sarai ever argue with each other about it? Did Sarai wonder why on earth God would make such a suggestion when their current home was perfectly good? Did Abram ever accuse her of being unfaithful when, in fact, his real fear was whether his faith was strong enough to take the change?

And how hard was it that last day, when they turned around for the last time and knew they might never return? We, at least, live in the days of easy travel, when the only impediment to returning is the price of gas or the condition of the roads in winter. There is no permanent leaving anymore, at least not that you can know in advance. I think of my grandmother who, leaving Sweden at age nine, remembered until she died the image of her own grandmother, waving from the front porch of the farm, crying and wiping her eyes with her apron. She would not see her children again.

Get you going. So much easier said than done, no? And yet the rabbinical comment above has real truth to it, I think: that you do not just leave your home, you leave in order to find your home. We leave in search of those sparks belonging to us, which await redemption. Because as much as Abram and Sarai had to go from one place, they also had to go to another.

For some time to come, I suspect our focus will be on the place and people we are leaving. There is no way around this; or, at least not one very compelling.

The trick, I suppose, is to balance the "from" and the "to." Lech-lecha-ing for both, away from one and toward another. Don't think that I've forgotten one of the things that finally does happen for Abram and Sarai when they go: their son finally arrives, so much later than anticipated. And no, not as a reward, for that part is clear. But somehow their going made way for him in a manner that staying would perhaps not.

So we enter Portion Lech-Lecha of our lives, Beloved's and mine. And not simply as a description, but as a prayer. Get us going, O Lord. Get us going safely, and with compassion for one another. Get us going, and may we be a blessing along the way.

The Voice-less Preacher

For only the second time in my eight years of pastoring, I have no voice. Well, today I have a little tiny bit of a voice. Yesterday I had none. Sunday I got through about two-thirds of the sermon at the 11:00am worship service and fell into such a fit of coughing that I had to leave the pulpit and hack away for about ten minutes in the sacristy. (By the way, the only thing that stopped it was two full drinking glasses of communion wine. Mogen David. Good stuff. But - whatever works.)

Being voice-less is a problem for a preacher. Especially at Advent. It's not all bad, of course; it does teach one a good lesson in listening, even if forcibly. It cuts down on the number of phone calls I can make in a day (down to none, for about the last five days, since the coughing started). You would think my writing time would have improved, since the speaking time is down - and if this were not Advent, that might have been true.

I am working on a post about our decision to leave Current Congregation and take a new call. Exciting, terrifying, and everything inbetween. Hopefully the voice will be back for Sunday.

Friday, November 30, 2007

About that gorgeous nativity in the post below...

A HUGE thanks to MaryBeth for sending a fabulous link with her comment, which led me to the even-worse-than-authentic-Precious-Moments nativity scene you see, in all its glory.

Head over to The Cavalcade of Bad Nativities for some enjoyment of your own.

Friday Five: Don't Call It a Comeback Edition

Note from this blogger: between Advent preparations, Thanksgiving travels, and the complicated, emotional process of accepting a new call, blogging has taken a back seat lately. I will do my best to be more regular about writing in a few weeks. Maybe post-Christmas. But for now, at least a little fun with the Friday five is a nice break in the day.

Please tell us your least favorite/most annoying seasonal....
1) dessert/cookie/family food
Lutefisk. No question. Gelatinous fish dried in lye and then re-enervated in soggy white sauce: even real Norwegians don't eat this crap anymore.

2) beverage (seasonal beer, eggnog w/ way too much egg and not enough nog, etc...)
Hate eggnog. Hate it. Makes me gag.

3) tradition (church, family, other)
You know, I'm coming up blank on this one. No annoying traditions here, I guess.

4) decoration
I hate those blow-up oversized snowglobes people put in their front yards. (Or anything in the blow-up family: big snowmen, Winnie the Pooh and his friends decorating the tree, Rudolph, etc.) I just don't get it. They're ugly. And they make your house look like the residence of a creepy Disney-phile who's gone on the It's A Small World ride one too many times.

5) gift (received or given)
I collect nativity scenes. I have many lovely and beautiful ones. But I also have a few humdingers people have given me over the years, including a plasticine Alaskan Eskimo nativity. It's not kitchsy enough to be fun and not hideous enough to throw out. Just strange.

BONUS: SONG/CD that makes you want to tell the elves where to stick it.
Anything by an artist dressed in a too-tight red elf costume with fur around the cleavage. Mariah Carey, maybe. I don't enjoy looking at the cover and wondering how many hookers actually do work at the North Pole. One too many ho ho ho's, if you know what I mean. There is also some sort of pole-related joke here, but I'll let that one go.

You know, this was kind of cathartic. All my holiday annoyances out in print. I feel much better.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Stay of Execution

So yesterday was the big day: I (finally) had to tell my staff and council that I have been offered another call. I have been dreading this for weeks. Make no mistake: it was a hard and exhausting day. But, all things considered, it went very well.

I started with our newest staff member, the Director of Music. Because he had been hired only four months ago, and came to this congregation under the assumption he would be working with me for - well, longer than this - I thought he deserved to know first. One of the things that consistently amazes and delights me about this guy is his maturity level; he's 22 years old, but you'd think he's at least 30. His first response? "Wow; congratulations!"

(As an aside, I have been so focused on how hard this is that I forgot it is exciting too. My husband has said "congratulations" to me, and so have many family members, but somehow, coming from a colleague, it was different. I think that small moment changed the whole day.)

Next, to tell the rest of the staff. The secretary, the youth & family director, and one of our two visitation pastors. (Another aside: this particular visitation pastor used to be my full-time colleague. Five years ago, at age 45, he was diagnosed with a terminal brain cancer. He had a biopsy and numerous, serious complications as a result. He has great trouble communicating but now works very part-time as a visitation pastor. I could write a whole book about this experience, not to mention many blog entries, but suffice it to say that our relationship is complicated.)

That, too, went fairly well. Everyone was surprised and, while certainly no one was happy - though, again, very gracious to me - they took it well. We talked for about 45 minutes.

Then I waited for six hours to tell the executive board. Let me tell you this: I accomplished absolutely nothing yesterday during that time. Nada. And I had plenty to do. Oh well.

I had called this exec meeting; we don't meet every month unless specifically requested or we feel there is a particular reason for doing so. I had one minor issue to discuss and then I dropped the bomb. It went something like this:

"I need to tell you that I have received a call to another congregation."

Long pause.

Treasurer (a dear man who can be blunt as a rock but who has gone to the wall for me numerous times): "Can we talk you out of it?"

Which broke the ice, and we had a good conversation. They wanted a little more from me than I can really give - names of other pastors I would suggest, whether they can choose their own interim - but it was good.

And the best part, which resulted in the title of this post, is that they decided we ought not to tell the whole council until I have made a decision. In all honesty, that was the part I was dreading the most: first, telling the council; and second, the extremely high likelihood that the news would then find its way into the congregation, no matter how much they promised to keep it quiet. (12 council members, 12 spouses...you do the math.)

I did feel like it was a stay of execution. The ELCA way of doing this is that you are obligated to inform your council when you receive another call, whether or not you intend to accept it (or have decided yet). You only inform the whole congregation when you have made a decision.

What I really worried about was rumor getting out of hand, during an already emotionally charged time of the year. By not telling the council - or, by fulfilling that requirement via the executive board - I think we've minimized the chances of that as much as possible.

I feel good. I admitted to the staff that, as hard as it was to tell them this, it was also something of a relief to tell them the truth. In a post from awhile ago, I used the image of Hester Prynne to describe how I was feeling during the interview stage; I've heard numerous pastors describe the whole thing as the ecclesiastical equivalent of an affair. (We assume these pastors are speaking metaphorically only and with no personal experience, but it's striking to me how often that image comes up. Certainly says something about the depth of attachment we develop to our congregations.)

To tell the whole council was, as I discussed with a blogging friend the other night, like saying to your spouse, "Well, I've been cheating on you for several months but I haven't technically decided if I'm going to leave you. I'll let you know in thirty days."

This is not a good feeling. (And I have no doubt that actually telling your spouse about an affair would be thousands upon thousands of times more difficult than the conversation I had with the board. But there's still truth in how this image conveys betrayal.)

So I can head into Thanksgiving with a reasonably light heart. Now we just need to make a decision. It's almost a foregone conclusion at this point; I have suspicions that both Beloved and I are dancing around the common assumption that we're going, but no one wants to be the first to say it.

I knew that five very specific people were praying for me as I headed into that exec meeting, and I can't tell you how meaningful that was. To the five, my gratitude.

Also, I got my hair cut and colored today. Now I feel sassy. Sadly, no camera to prove the sassiness. But it's real: trust me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Smartening Up

I'm at Luther Seminary this week, my alma mater, taking a class for continuing education. The class, called Preaching Difficult Texts, has definitely been worthwhile and I know I'll have more individual posts on various consciousness-streams-thereby-produced later, but for now, just a few observations about returning to the home turf:

1. I am obviously getting old because the student who served bread at chapel communion today looked about twelve years old.

2. It is both enormously wonderful to see old professors and hear them again; it is simultaneously wistful to see them aging more quickly than I would like.

3. Although I have long been someone who scoffs heartily at those who disdain seminary professors, saying they are out of touch because they are not in the parish - and I still find that a largely unconvincing argument - there have been a few moments during this class when I have thought to myself, "well, you might be able to get away with that here, but obviously you haven't been in the parish for thirty years." This is much like my swearing up-and-down, in my teenage years, that I would NEVER EVER EVER turn into my mother. Enough said.

4. Seminary friends are still, nearly eight years after graduation and despite being scattered around the country, the very best friends of my whole life.

5. I would really like to be a professor but the truth is, I just don't want to do the work of getting a PhD. Maybe this will change someday.

6. It does the ego a bit of good to be remembered by profs. I am not above this.

7. The seminary bookstore makes me sad that all I have within striking distance of my home is Christian Supply.

8. I am really glad not to live in Minneapolis anymore. Damn, it's cold.

9. A great many pastors, when raising their hand in class, are only doing this in order to hear themselves talk. They do not have an actual question. This was true in seminary and it doesn't change. I am just going to have to find a way to stop being inordinately annoyed by this.

10. Last, but not least, my alcohol tolerance level has obviously gone way down in the parish. So have my pool-playing skills. These, too, are reasons for doing continuing ed with eight of your very best seminary friends.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

For the Record

I just want to point out that tonight on Grey's Anatomy, a woman came into the ER because she had fallen down the stairs. She was worried about her infant daughter but insisted that she, herself, was fine. Just fine.

And what happened to that woman tonight on Grey's Anatomy?

SHE DIED.

I'm just saying.

In case there was any doubt about the post below. Which was written hours before the show aired, for the record.

(I'm pretty fine. The bruise on my left shin is epic, but the ankle is doing surprisingly well.)