off

I'm having an "off" day. The kind of day where nothing specific is wrong, nothing is terrible, there's no crisis, there's no tragedy - and yet you just feel...off. Off-balance, maybe, or off-focus, or just off.

I had a frustrating session last night with the 9th graders in confirmation: I don't think they would have talked if I had paid them. Silence and sullen looks are not my favorite way to spend an evening. I had another encounter during that session with Mr. Acolyte Boot Camp, who seemed intent on undermining my attempts at group conversation. I really dislike the feeling of disliking a kid. I decided last night that I need to pray for him and for myself, because I'm not quite sure what to do with this one.

And today my colleague, Senior Pastor, whom I like very much, was in the office on his day off - again. I think he's here almost every one of his days off, if only for a few minutes. It irritates me. I think it sets up an expectation that the pastor will be here every day, and frankly, that's a pattern I just don't buy into. I think I'll need to talk with him about it next week and just voice my own concerns about what "day off" really means (to me, anyway - he can do as he chooses). And then a woman who is involved with almost every group at church - the kind of person you run into a lot in congregations, who needs to be needed in a profound way - responded with a snippy retort when she asked me where Senior Pastor was, and I said, "well, it's his day off," and she said, snorting, "well, I KNOW it's his day off, but he's HERE." "I haven't seen him," I said. "Well, he's here," and huffed off.

Off. One of those days where I just want to crawl back in bed and start over. There are days in this new call (not so new now, nearly eight months in) where I feel all over again that I'm brand new, and that I don't belong here. That they don't know me. And that they never will. And that I'll never know them. And that we won't find real friends. And that if one more person asks me how many children I have, I will go insane.

I feel unfocused and pointless here today. What am I doing? Writing in an anonymous blog? I have no sermon to finish this week, only one class to prepare. No one's in the hospital. No one is calling. I feel completely and utterly, redundantly useless. I should be glad for the rest, and put it to good use. And instead, I just feel off.

These days come and go. Tomorrow will be better, I'm sure. It's grey and rainy today, which doesn't help. I think I just miss my other life today, the life I had before. That's natural. It gets better. But it's funny how that sort of grief pops up when you're least expecting it.