one step forward, three steps back

It's been a long time since I felt unhappy when I heard about someone's pregnancy. This is one of the unpleasant side effects of infertility, because I really hate feeling jealous or sad when I hear about someone else's joy. In the 2 1/2 years that Beloved and I have been trying to have a baby, lots of our friends and some family have gotten pregnant and had kids - and 99% of the time, my excitement for them has been uncomplicated by any grief of my own.

So today, when I got an email from an old sort-of-boyfriend who lives near New Congregation, and it said, "hey, great news, I'm going to be a dad," I was not happy to be so...unhappy. Those old feelings came back in a rush: jealousy, bitterness, "why them and not us," "he was kind of a jackass to me in the end, so why does he get a kid first," that sort of thing. Very third grade, I know. But there they are, these feelings I am simultaneously ashamed of and resigned to.

I don't plan to respond to his email right away, because I really can't. Maybe by next week. Maybe not. We'll see.

I hate feeling this way. I need an emotional shower. On top of this, I am leading a baptism class tomorrow morning with a bunch of families and kids, and although this is liturgically and pastorally fantastic, it's now something I'm dreading on the personal level.

Ick. Just ick. Can I get a do-over on this day?