Numb, Again

Like clockwork. Again. Period arrives exactly on schedule, even perhaps one day early. For the...oh, wait, let me count...21st time. In a row. Not pregnant. Again.

Among the many feelings which arrive - also, like clockwork - is an increasing sense of numbness in my prayer life. (Funny enough, I just mistyped that last sentence 'prayer lie,' although it may have been more than a typo.) Prayer life or prayer lie? I can't really pray anymore. I don't know how to ask for something for the five thousandth time in a way that is meaningful to myself or, I suppose, to God. Does God not know how badly we want this child? Does God not hear me? Does God not care?

I preach about these things. I say all the right things when I do that, and there is no way for me to tell the truth about this particular prayer crisis in my preaching. It would only call attention to myself, and do no one - including me - any good. Not from the pulpit, anyway.

But here, I can tell you the truth. Yes, I know there are much bigger problems in the world. I know there are people dying of cancer and children starving and women being raped and unjust wars raging.

But I am angry and hurt and totally bewildered. I do believe in the existence of God, but I don't know how to reach God anymore. I am numb. I have tried to pray and I can't. Should I give up? How can you have a conversation with someone who doesn't listen, who appears not to care, who does nothing in the face of your heartbreak? Are you not there? Have you forgotten me? Us?

Sounds like a psalm, but that's not my point. What do you do when you can't pray anymore?